Yes, good townspeople, I've been reading resumes again, searching high and low (mostly low) for the perfect little helper. The first thing I do when sniffing out potentials is proofread the cover letter and resume. Then I shut my office door and cry softly into my cup of cold yerba mate while “Lady D’Arbanville” plays in the background. Searching for a decent proofreader or copy editor is a painful, depressing, lonely process.
This time around, to amuse myself, I kept a running list of people's fuckups, in hopes that somebody somewhere will learn from these mistakes and proofread their own shit really carefully before sending it out. Thanks to my pool of sad applicants for these tips (and apologies in advance for the vitriol):
· Do not name your attachment "resumme.doc." Do not pass "Go," do not collect $200. You are completely out of your element and need somebody to wipe your ass for you.
· Do not name your attachment "writingresume.doc." Hon, this ain't a writing job, and if you wanna write, you can stay over there and write all by yourself.
· Do not send the cover letter in three different languages. Are you desperate or just lazy?
· Do not write "To Whom it May Concern." Ch*, what a rookie error, forgetting to capitalize all
· Do not write "Dear Sirs." News flash: I don't have a dick.
· Do not write that you saw the ad on "Craig's List" or that you know "Quark Express," "Quark XPress," or "Quark Xpress." Tip: It's Craigslist and QuarkXPress. Fucking look it up.
· Do not mention your typing speed if it's under 85 wpm. It's like telling me you're good at bowling. How is that a good thing?
· Do not put parentheses around the prefix in your phone number, e.g., 818 (555)-1212. Does deal breaker have a hyphen?
· Do not end a sentence with a comma and a period. Get out. Now.
· Do not write that your objective is "to obtain a loan process position." Uhhh, no.
· Do not write "I look forward to hearing" and neglect to finish the sentence. Lots to look forward to with you as my proofreader!
· Do not write that you have a "Masters." Tip: It's master's or Master of Bullshit degree. No mixing and matching.
· Do not spell proofreader with a hyphen. Do you also want to read a screen play after you speak with the teen-agers to-day? If so, you need to invest in a time machine and go back about half a century.
· Do not write that you want to work for a publication. Pssst . . . this is an advertising agency.
· Do not write that you "have an excellent command of the English and it's American usage." Golly gee, if that apostrophe in its didn't give you away, "the English" sure did.
· Do not write that you are "hideously overqualified." You have got to be kidding me with that shit.
Thanks for letting me vent. Going to meditate on my still-point inducer now. If you can find the typo** in this entry, you're hired! ; )
*Ch is a disparaging Chinese vocalization, like our English tsk.
** There may or may not be a typo; I just don't feel like proofreading this one more time.
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